Stepmom threatens to put daughter's boyfriend in jail

Dear Straight Talk: I read your column every week and last week a girl had gotten a tattoo against her parents' wishes. You advised her to tell her parents and accept the consequences. In your columns on the drinks spiked with drugs, you advised kids to anonymously bust the kids who are spiking the drinks. But when it comes to sex, you just tell parents they need to deal with it, even suggesting that we let our teenagers see the family doctor without our knowledge. I bring this up because I have a 16-year-old stepdaughter who I'm pretty sure is having sex with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is 19 and believe me, if I find out they're having sex, I will put his butt in jail. -V.S.C., AuburnDear V.S.C.: You're right about me being tough on drugs, alcohol and underage tattoos. I handle sex a little differently because sex is a natural human process.Let me explain. Nobody wants their child to "never" have sex. What we hope is that our children grow up and have sex within a mutually loving and committed relationship when they are old enough to handle any of the unintended consequences of sex (of which I've identified five: heartache, shame, pregnancy, STDs-and I've just added a new one: lawsuits). How old is old enough? Clearly, it varies with individuals and circumstances. Legally, it varies, too. Only a sprinkling of countries and six U.S. states (California included) have a no-exceptions sexual consent age of 18. For the vast majority of U.S. states the age of consent is 16, and in Hawaii and Canada it is 14. My advice to teens younger than the legal age of consent has always been to get parental consent before having sex. If it feels unsafe to approach the parents, I advise waiting until legal age. My advice to parents has always been to educate your children as to the double-edged nature of sex, condition them from a young age to wait, and if you suspect they are having sex by all means talk to them and help them be safe from that dark edge.Your stepdaughter's consensual relationship is perfectly legal in most states. Should you sue her boyfriend for statutory rape the shame, heartache, and legal setbacks will be highly damaging to all. If you can't swallow my advice for parents, my backup advice is to leave well enough alone. Try imagining you're in Kansas after all.From Peter, 18: The truth is, if a teenager is having sex it's not something parents can easily control without becoming tyrants. If it's happening, then by all means the parent should make sure the teen gets any help needed, and if that means seeing the doctor confidentially, then so be it. The important thing is that whatever the teenager does he does safely. If it's sex, then use protection and only do it with someone you trust. If it's drinking, then don't drive, and only drink with people you can trust. If drugs... well, drugs aren't safe at all and should be avoided at all costs.From Farren, 18: I feel that protected and planned sex is a lot safer than drinking and drugs. Neither I nor anybody else on the teen staff has ever condoned teen sex or promiscuity, but I believe it is a person's right to choose when he or she is ready to engage in sex. When it comes down to it, many teens are going to do what they want regardless of their parents. Teens will have sex if they want to-and they will hide it from you if they want to, regardless of how that makes you feel. I don't feel that tough love, or "[putting] his butt in jail," is going to make the situation any better. Lauren Forcella is a hypnotherapist and co-founder of Teens-Matter, a non-profit organization devoted to teens. Letters to Straight Talk are answered by Teens-Matter's advanced students. Write us at Straight Talk, 3215 Fortune Court, Auburn, CA 95602 or visit www.teens-matter.com.