Overcoming insensitive comments, Techy toilet troubles

Dear Annie: I endured a very traumatic childhood. I was verbally abused. I was physically abused. I was sexually abused and raped. I'm writing because I want to know the best way to respond to ignorant and insensitive remarks about my childhood. I have been told, "just leave it in the past"; "focus on the positive"; "it's all a mindset"; "forgive and forget"; and "just let it go." I don't feel angry at these people for their remarks. I know they are trying to help and that they just don't understand. People don't understand that the traumatic events I endured as a child will stay with me for the rest of my life. I have nightmares and flashbacks all the time. I could be doing anything and, all of a sudden, a horrible memory or image pops into my head. With therapy, I have learned to cope and push aside these memories, but they keep coming back. That is why I can't just leave it in the past or forget about it. All I can do is learn to cope. I feel that trauma is much like grief. For instance, I have lost my father, my brother, and my niece. The two seem similar in that grief stays with you for the rest of your life. You'll always miss your loved one. Grief strikes you at any moment just like trauma. Grief is painful and difficult to endure. And for someone who is grieving, other people wouldn't dare tell them to "just leave it in the past" or "just let it go" or "it's all a mindset." Those comments would be considered highly insensitive. How do I respond to people who make these insensitive remarks to me or to others who have endured trauma? — Grieving My Childhood Dear Grieving My Childhood: What an important letter. Having to endure any type of trauma is awful and potentially an ongoing process. It is insensitive for someone to convey the message that you should "get over it." My guess is that these words come from a place of their not knowing what type of trauma you experienced, or what grief feels like. If they did know what you went through, they might give you a huge motherly hug and just hold you, or they might know that you need space and time. You are correct that the memory of the trauma will never go away, but with a good therapist, which you seem to have, you could find both physical and mental release. Somatic Healing is a great option in helping with PTSD and can lessen some of the nightmares and flashbacks. Your letter will help other people understand trauma better. Good luck to you, warrior woman. My hope is that you will continue to transcend the trauma from your childhood and live a life that is not just coping but one that is shining bright and that allows others to heal as well. You are on the right track by showing so much wisdom. Dear Readers: A recent column talked about someone being grossed out when entering a bathroom stall because the previous occupant failed to flush. I was pretty hard on that previous occupant, assuming they were at fault. Quite a few readers pointed out that this might have been a problem of technology and not inconsideration. Here are two of the letters that I really enjoyed reading: Dear Annie: In your May 18 column, "Dismayed in North Carolina" was confronted with an unflushed toilet when entering a stall. Yes, the previous user should have checked, but as one who travels and dines out frequently, I long ago chocked this up to the proliferation of toilets and urinals that flush automatically. It is rare to encounter a restroom that does not have them, so it's possible the previous user, the one who "Dismayed" followed, had assumed his toilet would flush automatically when he left and did not bother to check. These automatic flushers have been a blessing, as the situation "Dismayed" encountered had been happening with increasing frequency before their introduction. — A Fan of Automatics Dear Annie: I just read the letter from "Dismayed in North Carolina" and feel that I have to point out another side of the equation: The gentleman in question may not have been just "disgustingly lazy," but rather didn't realize it had not flushed. I might sometimes be guilty of the same offense and not aware of it. We live in a highly automated world. Toilets don't always come with handles anymore. All the plumbing fixtures in my workplace and most of the public places I "visit" are automated. I have become so used to the toilets flushing themselves. Sometimes the toilet is automated but still doesn't flush itself, so I have to do it. And it can be difficult to find the button to push to manually flush. Very often they hide it somewhere on the side of the electronics. I laugh when I stand in front of the sink and hold out my hands to wash them, waiting for the faucet to turn itself on automatically, and then realize that the plumbing is not automated, so I turn on the faucets by hand. I place my hands under the paper towel dispenser and wait for it to spit out a length of paper and nothing comes out because I did not pull on the exposed piece or press the dispensing button or handle. Yes, there may be times when someone is just lazy, but it may also be that we are so conditioned by automation that we do not realize our business is still in the bowl when we exit the stall. — Too Conditioned by Automation Dear Automation Fans and Subjects: You make good points, but there still is no excuse for leaving the stall until the toilet has flushed. If it is automated and won't flush, there should be a handle or button to flush manually. If there isn't one, then that company should be called out and forced by public pressure to offer a manual alternative. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.