Kicking the coffee habit, insecurity ruining friendship

Dear Annie: I used to drink coffee only now and then, just for enjoyment. But since my job has become more intense and stressful, I've found myself needing at least a cup a day to keep me alert and functioning at full capacity. I don't like that I'm dependent on caffeine now. I notice that when I haven't had coffee by noon or so, I feel crabby and headachey. So I keep drinking it daily so I can get my work done. Is there some alternative? I want to be able to work without relying upon everyone's favorite bean. — Caffeine Dependent Dear Caffeine Dependent: If caffeine is the only thing you are trying to quit, then you are in pretty good shape. However, if you really want to stop drinking coffee, there are lots of great alternatives. Matcha tea is a very popular one. It is a form of green tea made by steaming and grinding the leaves of the Camellia sinensis plant. In contrast to drinking green tea, you are getting the entire leaf with matcha. A second alternative could be lemon water. While it won't give you quite the jolt of caffeine, it will provide your body with lots of nutritious vitamin C. Chicory root and B vitamins also help with energy levels. Ginseng is found in many popular energy drinks. Becoming dependent on coffee is a legitimate concern, and it can produce headaches and all sorts of other problems. But my real concern is the stress of your job. Stress is a lot more dangerous than caffeine. I would have an honest talk with your boss about your workload. Do it in a very professional manner — not coming from a place of laziness but rather wanting to make sure your body is able to do the work demanded of you at an optimal pace. Sometimes setting boundaries for yourself is the healthiest thing you can do for all parties involved. Dear Annie: I have two best friends from college. I have good relationships with both of them, but one is much more emotionally available. The other is hard to pin down. When we want to hang out as a group — which takes coordinating, as we've since moved to different states — he more often than not makes excuses to get out of meeting up. I don't think he's lost interest in being our friend. During college, he was super down to do stuff with us all the time. But now that there's distance and logistics involved, we don't appear to be worth the effort. We've brought this up to him before, that it hurts us to feel like he doesn't care. His defense is that he "cares about everyone equally," so we're not given any sort of extra effort for being closer-than-normal friends. How do we deal with this? I know we can't force him to make himself available, but it is heartbreaking to watch a yearslong relationship fizzle due to something so meager as distance. — Angry at Apathetic Ami!go Dear Angry: Best friends might not be around all the time or even most of the time, but they're there when you need them. What matters is that you can still count on this amigo when it counts. In the meantime, stop putting in extra effort to coordinate with him if it's causing you to resent him. Give him some time and space, and let him reach out when he's ready to commit to getting together. Distance — whether of space or years — is not enough to dissolve the bonds of true friendship. Dear Annie: I have a friend who I have known for many years, and suddenly I have noticed that she is getting possessive with me. She just wants to see me alone, and she questions whether or not I'm seeing other friends when I can't see her at a certain time. She makes comments about how popular I am and makes sarcastic comments about friends liking me better. I know she is insecure, but this subject is difficult to approach with her. She says that's the way she is, and that's that. She has friends but seems to depend on me a lot. I'm at my wit's end. How should I handle this? — Torn and Frustrated Dear Torn and Frustrated: A friend is someone who wishes you well — someone who wants to see you grow and is there for you during the good times and bad. The "friend" described in your letter is missing those qualities. In fact, she sounds like someone who does not want to see you shine or to be popular, so she can keep you all to herself. She is obviously very insecure. But the real question is whether you should allow her insecurity and jealousy to weigh you down. Have a forthright conversation with her about how you feel. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you are allowed to have other friends besides her, though that doesn't mean that you like her any less. In fact, you will probably like and respect her more as a friend if she gives you freedom. It does sound like you care about her, so remember to come from a place of love and compassion when you approach her. If she becomes defensive, perhaps now is the time to give her space. Instead, tell her that when she is ready to not be so possessive and jealous, you will be ready to be her friend. Dear Readers: A great number of you wrote in about the possibility of a medical condition, particularly sleep apnea, as a reason for intense snoring. Below are some of those letters, which I found interesting and educational. Dear Annie: I am responding to "Restless Nights," regarding her mom's snoring. I, too, snored very loudly, and my family made many remarks about it. I had a sleep study done and have been diagnosed with sleep apnea. I now use a CPAP machine, and I no longer snore. I also didn't realize how little sleep I was getting before I got my machine. "Restless Nights" should encourage her mom to talk to her doctor to see if she needs to have a sleep study done. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself. — No More Restless Nights Dear Annie: Believe me, a snoring roommate can put a real crimp in a vacation. Years ago, a former vacation roommate wrote to tell me she'd discovered she had sleep apnea. She apologized for not knowing how disruptive her snoring was to others. Treatment was important for her because apnea can harm physical health. When I was young, I did not have sleep apnea. However, a few years ago I was having sleep issues and was diagnosed with sleep apnea. The newest CPAP machines that are used to treat sleep apnea are so quiet that peaceful sleep is possible for all who share a bedroom. — Peaceful Sleeper Dear Annie: I read your response to "Restless Nights" and totally agree with your advice regarding the writer's guilt issues. I was surprised, however, that you failed to mention the strong possibility that the mom's snoring could be related to sleep apnea, which, in some cases, can have serious side effects. Given the apparent severity of her symptoms, I would, as a retired physician, strongly recommend that she have this investigated. — A Medical Doctor Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.