From Sausalito to Sacramento, through scams and smuggling: How the Sour Dough Sad Sacks came to be

Time Traveler: Over the last several weeks, our readers have noticed the absence of any mention of The Sour Dough Sad Sacks and their shenanigans. The truth is I have taken some time off and have opted instead to reprint some old columns describing my childhood. It became apparent that some of our readers had never read these columns, apparently late arrivals to our column. With that in mind, I thought it might be a good time to inform these late arrivals as to the genesis of how the Sour Dough Sad Sacks came to be. If you are a longtime reader and know the story, just skip this one and read the Rushton or Blume column. Some years ago, when the Portuguese Pirate and I started writing this column, we decided we each had to have our own nom de guerre. I became The Time Traveler because I have always been, and Robin became The Portuguese Pirate based largely on his prickly nature. My general appearance and dress match my name, but the Portuguese Pirate needed a little color, so we decided he had to have parrot. Pirates have parrots, right? We hunted up and down the coast, stopping at pet shops along the way looking for just the right bird, and finally found a parrot panhandling on a street corner in Sausalito. He had been working at a Bordello as a piano player. The Pleasure Palace was owned by Sally Stanford who, as some of you know, operated that business, and a successful restaurant, all while serving as the mayor of Sausalito. In any event, she booted him out the door for being too Liberal with the girl's time. So, with his musical career at an end, he was looking around for something new. When the Pirate spotted him, his first words were "ARRR, look mate it's a Bloody Parrot." He's been with and sailed with Blackbeard. Seems a bit of a stretch, but parrots do live a long time I hear. Next came Harley Ridgecracker and Norris P. Thermadore. They joined us while laying low after that scam involving the Sacramento Kings. It seems they got a bunch of suckers to buy Balance Bracelets that was supposed to help them win something, even got them to change the name from Arco Arena to Power Balance Arena. Ridgecracker and Thermador declared that was the biggest bunch of chumps they ever netted in one scam in their career. One day while traveling down Hwy 65 toward Lincoln in our 1924 Humpmobile, we spied an old gypsy wagon being pulled down the road by an old swayback mule. On the canvas of the wagon were printed the words: Madam Kahli -Palm Reader also Financial and Spiritual Advise Given. In the driver's seat was a middle-age woman wearing the colorful clothing, earrings and finger rings one normally associates with a gypsy fortune-teller. Naturally, we stopped. After a brief conversation, we loaded her and her old mule Joe into the back seat and hooked up the wagon. What a sight we must have made going through town with me in the front seat holding her crystal ball, the Pirate driving with a parrot on his shoulder, Madam Kahli and old Joe smoking Cheap Bastard Cigars sitting in the back, all dragging a gypsy wagon. It turns out Madam Kahli had been recently released from the Santucci Justice Center, where she was being held for some misunderstanding in regards to pandering. Next to join our group was Nigel The Pitcairn Island Parrot. Nigel is the Bloody Parrot's younger cousin, who he smuggled over in a load of bananas or something. Nigel was more than ready to leave the island, as there was some unpleasantness involving the magistrate's wife. The last to join our little group of Thieves, Thugs, Fakirs & Bunko-Steerers was Meriwether Blume, our innocent appearing little waif. A more likeable and honest group you would ever expect to find, when they aren't stealing from you. Sad to say little Miss Meriwether has recently decided to go straight, dispose of all her worldly goods and hike across the country. How she is planning that without the employment of any graft is a little doubtful in any event. I believe she plans to continue her column while on the road. Here's the Pirate with some words. Portuguese Pirate: Well, I just arrived back from the impeachment trial. You want to talk about a building full of "Thieves, Thugs, Fakirs & Bunko-Steerers," that was the place. Anyway, Traveler handed me his part of the column so my wife Janice could type it up. As I read through it, well, it brought a tear of happiness to my eye; no, not my glass eye, the other one. How could we have been the lucky, dysfunctional, halfway home to have ended up with this group; just lucky, I guess. On a sad note, this past week we lost the professional skills of Gus Thomson and Julie Miller. Gus has retired to go start The Mistletoe Boutique. He'll be selling Mistletoe teas, face creams, flour, corn remover and much more. And Julie, she's gone on to a government job, I think. Best of luck to you both, you will be missed. Stay tuned to the Newcastle Television Show on KAHI 104.5 FM, 950 AM and podcasting at kahi.com. We air every Saturday at 12 noon. In a few weeks, we'll be doing interviews about the "Everyone Counts" documentary film by Larry DeMates and Jim Goodrich. It's regarding the mysterious deaths around the Auburn area. Robin Enos and John Downs are citizens of Newcastle.