Ms. Meriwether has come back to town

Time Traveler: As most of our readers are aware, for a few years now, a part of Auburn's community has included a gang of Buncosteerers known as the Sourdough Sadsacks. Their adventures and nefarious scams have been well documented by this newspaper. Sadly, this may soon come to an end. Meriwether Blume has come back to town. Ms. Blume, as you will recall, was our youngest and perhaps the most talented of our band of grifters. She occasionally transcribes this column and writes one of her own. Several months ago, she decided to abandon her life of crime and walked across the country in search of herself. She wanted to go straight so she broke into the Pirate's safe, relieved him of any unnecessary burdonsome cash and disappeared. Big surprise, last week Ms. Blume arrived in a very old converted hearse, so old in fact that Ham could have used one just like it, pulled by two mules as he left the ark. "Why Ms. Meriwether, I thought you had left the state? Why come back?" "The reason," she responded, "I left the state because I don't particularly like Californians, but this seems to be the only state that doesn't have any." Then I noticed that Meriwether, always a classy dresser, was wearing a simple white skirt down to her ankles, a modest white blouse and in her left hand a Bible. Then I took a closer look at her Hearse/Limousine; on the sides were emblazoned the words: Sister Bloom, Traveling Evangelist and Faith Healer. She had changed the spelling from Blume to Bloom. So much for going straight, I thought. "Anyway, I've come to offer you a business proposal," she said. At the words "business proposal," Norris P Thermadore III charged out of a little camp trailer he parks just outside our Belly Achers Casino, or at least tried to charge out but unfortunately, Norris has put on a few pounds lately and got stuck in the doorway of his tiny trailer. Meriwether waived a thick wad of 20's under his nose and he squirted right out. Hitching up his pants, Norris asked, "What kind of proposal you talking about Little Missy?" To which she responded, "You boys are a bunch of four-dollar hustlers, but I have found religion. Do you think you could preach?" Thermadore thought for a minute and said, "Well, as far as I can tell, all you have to do is put an H between the G & the D so it comes out GAAHD, then put three E's in Jeeesus with the emphasis on the first syllable. After that it's easy. All sales is based on fear & benefits, and religion is a natural for that." With that, Meriwether got a faraway, dreamy look on her face and said, "I can see it now, Sister Bloom and Brother Norris Traveling Evangelists Providing Faith Healings & Miracles." "But what about the rest of the Sourdough Sad Sacks?" asked Thermadore. "Oh, that's easy," Meriwether replied. "We'll need a front man to hang poster and find us a place to camp before we arrive. Little Nigel is perfect for that. Bloody Parrot could be our chauffeur and Harly Ridgecracker could take tickets at the door and act as security. We could even take Madam Kahli to conduct seances and fortune telling in case religion ain't selling that well." "But what about the Pirate and the Traveler?" "It wouldn't work," responded Meriwether, "we're supposed to be goodness and light. Those two look too sinister to pass." Yesterday, I saw the whole crew pull out, first the Hearse/Limo with Blume and Norris in the back being driven by our Parrot. Hooked to the Limo was Madam Kahli's gypsy wagon with the Madam in the wagon seat. Finally, our 1924 Humpmobile with Ridgecracker at the wheel with Kahli's old mule Joe sitting high in the rear seat smoking one of Kahli's cigars (made me think of Granny Clampett). Late, I went over to the Pirate's place to see how he was doing and found him passed out on the craps table. He looked like H E double Q, unshaven, hair looked like two badgers that fought themselves to death in a wheat field, surrounded by empty bottles. He overindulged in Kale Juice. Portuguese Pirate: OK, OK, I'm upright. Where did my casino crew go? Traveler, how could you let them go, what do I do now? Somehow, that bag the doctor hook up down your let to collect ... liquid has gone the reverse direction and drown your brains. Well, I guess my – banished from Reno's casinos – wife Janice is going to have to deal the double deck Blackjack. You, Traveler, can clean the ashtrays out, but you get to keep the longer butts. Mr. Turner - who's been banished from Newcastle Village courthouse for lifting his leg on a 100-year-old Spider Plant –is going to have to back-leg kick the roulette wheel. Me, I'm going to track down the traveling evangelic show, I should catch up to them at the White House. Dial into the Newcastle Television Show every Saturday at 12 noon on KAHI Radio. You can hear us at 104.5 FM, 950 AM or podcast at kahi.com anytime. This week, we speak with the new managing editor of the Auburn Journal, Bill Poindexter. "It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them." - Mark Twain