A new 'country' in Auburn? That's just DUMB

Time Traveler: Over the last four or five years, the Sour Dough Sad Sacks, led by the irreformable Portuguese Pirate and myself, have engaged in scams and schemes; leaving many of Auburn's royalty appalled, and in some cases, drawing them into becoming peccant in our nefarious actions. We have always thought of ourselves as the top of the heap in the arena of recreant behavior. But sadly, we have been outdone! The other day, Madam Kalhi, our palm-reading spiritual and financial advising Romanian Gypsy, stormed out of her tent, charged into our now-empty casino at Belly Acres, and slapped the Portuguese Pirate two or three times upside the head with a newspaper while he was asleep on the craps table. Needless to say, this does nothing for the Pirate's mood. But mindful of the fact that the old gypsy has turned several people who have crossed her into toads, he gently asked, "What's the matter, sweetie?" Slamming the paper down, she fairly shouted, "Look at these! We have been outdone by some spoiled children in Seattle! They have taken over a part of a town where they get free food, and there are no police and NO RULES. That should be US! They declared it an auton…auton…autonom….yeah, one of those place's zones. They call it Chaz or Chump or something. They have their own country! Why didn't we think of that?" Pirate told the gang and Kalhi, "I'm out," and headed for the deepest part of the forest. The next day, Kalhi called for a meeting of the Sourdough Sad Sacks and The Babblers, Auburn Think Tank that meets outside of Depoe Bay every weekday morning. It was decided, since we were there anyway, that we would invade the City Parking Lot outside Depoe Bay and create our own country; no cops, no laws, no rules, no authority – utopia. We decided to call our country The Downtown United Malcontent Babblers, or DUMB, for short. Before long, we realized someone had to make decisions, so we elected Jerry Kopp from Uptown Signs as Mayor. Not because he was the smartest, but because he was the loudest. Our little heaven on earth chirped right along until Vance Sauter and John Moise got into a slap fight over who grew the hottest peppers. Even UTOPIA has to have order, so Kopp named Jergan The German as head of security, since he has a WWII-vintage Kombi three-wheel CD motorcycle. Jergan (pronounced Yergan) decided he needed back-up, so he appointed me as his Deputy. So, I sat in his side car as we patrolled. With an MG 34 machine gun mounted on his motorcycle and me with my Ranger Toy cap pistol, we have become known as The Warlords of the Country DUMB. The problem was, we didn't know where the country ended. So we went over to Walmart and took a bunch of shopping carts to make a wall at the entrance to our parking lot, because how are you going to have a country without borders? Next, we kicked Jerry Kopp out of town. No cops allowed! New we are making demands. We demand that we be provided a 52-inch television, an awning built around the sycamore tree and cushions for the brick seats so we don't chaff our little butts. We demand free food because we don't have jobs and can't take care of ourselves. A porta potty would be nice, but we have the bus shelter in the meantime. My dog, Trav, is marching around with a sign that says, "Repeal the Leash Laws" and the dog pound be closed and the dogs set free. Next, we are going to tear down the Claude Chana statue because it represents the rape and pillage of California's gold rush. Next, we're going to tear down the Chinese Coolie statue because it is a reminder that the Chinese stole all those good-paying jobs from the Irish during the building of the transcontinental railroad. Then, we are going to tear down Fox's statues on Auburn Ravine because … well, we aren't sure why, but we're going to tear them down anyway. Boy, ain't utopia grand. Portuguese Pirate: Pirate has left the building and will not be a part of "DUMB." He will "may be" be back in October and has left this food for thought: "The limitation of riots, moral questions aside, is that they cannot win and their participants know it. Hence, rioting is not revolutionary but reactionary because it invites defeat. It involves an emotional catharsis, but it must be followed by a sense of futility." – Martin Luther King Jr. If you really fulfill the royal law according to the Scripture, "You shall love your neighbor as yourself," you are doing well. But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. – James 2:8-9