Commentary: Owning vs. sharing toys, and the strange power of kitchen timers

Many parenting books will tell you to make sure each child has toys that belong specifically to them. I found this was important when the kids were a bit older, but not before age 5. With the exception of each child's favorite lovey, we kept all toys as "share toys." Learning to share toys is something twins and second children must learn at a very young age, and I have never found any downside to this rule. It may be harder if you're adding a new baby to a family with an older child. I'd encourage you to raise your first child with the idea the toys belong to mom and dad, not the child. This doesn't need to be harsh. Try, "Do you want to play with mommy's train set?" Or, "Time to put daddy's toys away." As they get older and a bit more mature, you can allow them the privilege of "owning" an item or two. It will help with sharing when other children come along, as they will have seen you modeling "sharing" your toys. This doesn't mean your kids will truly appreciate the toys you so generously provide nor miraculously enjoy sharing with grace and patience. You are still going to have to teach them "how" to share. One of the most useful tools for teaching kids how to share is the kitchen timer. I like the digital ones that continue to beep until you turn them off. When your kids are fighting over a toy, you say, "We'll do turns. I'll get the timer." Then you start with a very short play time for the first set of turns. We'd usually do 30 seconds to one minute for the first few turns, and increase to 2 minutes and later to 5 minutes ... if needed. Often, they lose interest in the toy after the first few turns, and you're done. But here's the big secret: The timer has strange magical power. No, really, it does! If you time 30 seconds on a clock or phone and tell the child it's time to switch, you will get protestations and a toddler fit. If you set the timer and let it keep beeping while you tell them it's time to trade, they just hand over the toy and wait. Yes, you could probably use your phone for this. But you don't want to introduce competition for your phone into the toy issue. I recommend you keep that tucked out of their line of vision for as long as possible. Get yourself a simple beeping timer. You will find it has power in a wide range of situations. Time to go home, time to sit on the potty, time to get shoes on. An older child can use a timer to learn how to regulate their computer time. A kitchen timer is a truly powerful tool. Kathleen Cawley is a physician assistant, writer and mom to 11-year-old boy/girl twins. She lives in Loomis, and her forthcoming book "Navigating Modern Parenthood" will be out in the spring of 2022.