Commentary: A new leader for Sad Sacks?

Time Traveler: I was shocked! Absolutely shocked, I tell you! Last week, as I was driving past Mike Holmes' house, I couldn't help but notice a gypsy wagon parked on the street out front and an old mule munching on his azaleas in the front yard. Furthermore, there was a beat-up 1924 hupmobile parked in his driveway. Mike, as most of you know, is Auburn's former mayor and city councilman. After a hiatus from civic duties, he has returned to the fray and once again grasped on to the reins of power and has been reelected to the city council. This is why I was so surprised to see this ignoble collection of conveyances parked at his house. The longtime readers of this column will instantly recognize these run-down methods of transportation belong to the infamous Sourdough Sad Sacks. For the new readers of this column, I'll fill you in and also refresh the memories of my long-term readers. At one time, the Sad Sacks, a collection of ne'er-do-wells, con artists and minor criminals, ran roughshod over the good citizens of Auburn, conning little old ladies out of their life savings, selling cures for chronic peristalsis and standing on street corners collecting money for fake charities with a basket saying, "Drop Packages of Money Here. No Checks or Small Bills Accepted." This gang was led by a man called the Portuguese Pirate, because he looked like one. Perched on his shoulder was probably his only friend, a parrot he called Bloody Parrot. I suspect that damn bird was calling the shots. Also in the gang was Madam Kahli, a traveling palm reading spiritual and financial advising gypsy. Her forte was financial advising where she kept her investor's cash overages in a high state of agitation for which she received a minor comprehensive handler's fee. Legal misunderstandings were handled by Harley Ridgecracker and Norris P. Thermadore III, two civil litigation lawyers who decided to go straight and become grafters. Then there is Meriwether Blume, a 30-something hottie whose stock in trade is a traveling evangelist – money to be made there. And never forget Nigel, a button-down little Pitcairn Island parrot who is Bloody Parrot's younger cousin, and Dr. Eli Parsons, a nasty piece of work who has outstanding warrants in at least three states who should be sued for malpractice if he had a medical degree, which he doesn't. And then there's me, but I am reformed … just a chronicler. Now that you know who these people are, you can understand why I was so shocked to see them gathered at Holmes' house. I thought I had seen the last of them when Police Chief Kinnan drove them out of town several years back, and now here they are again. At first I thought, "OhmiGod! They are going to snooker that nice old man out of his Navy retirement." Concerned, I crept around his side yard and peeked through his patio window. What I saw shocked me to the core. Harvey Ridgecracker and Thermadore were slouched on a couch with their feet on a coffee table smoking cigars and using a candy dish as an ashtray, Blume was sitting on the floor painting her toenails, and Nigel had his head in Mike's refrigerator. Mike and Madam Kahli were sitting at the dining table with a crystal ball between them. At first, I thought the crew was up to its old tricks, but then I heard little snippets of conversation. It turns out the Portuguese Pirate is locked up at the county jail in Texarkana (the Arkansas side) for Lord knows what. As I heard it, the Parrot's still with him and the locals refer to him as The Bird Man from Texarkana. Maybe he'll get a movie deal out of it. Anyway, the Sad Sacks find themselves leaderless. I saw them gather around the table and do the secret Sad Sack handshake. And as they were busy relieving Mike of some of his excess cash, I realized Mike was out-grafting the grafter. He's angling for a leadership role in the Sourdough Sad Sacks. God help us. With Mike in charge and with all his connections, I shudder to think what these miscreants are capable of. This is not going unnoticed. As I drove away, I was pretty sure I saw Chief Kinnan and former mayor and current council member Sandy Amara slouched in an unmarked cop car watching the house. I think things are going to get interesting. We just finished our final radio show and are now preparing for a new frontier in podcasting. Stay tuned for details.