Commentary: Parenting is hard; cut yourself some slack

Editor's note: Fourth in a four-part series. A lack of family and community support is taken for granted in our culture. It is our normal. Parents figure it all out, and make it all work. And yet, it's not the norm in many parts of the world where extensive networks of family and friends help to care for and raise children. Furthermore, in many other westernized countries, a tight web of family services eases the financial and labor burdens of our smaller modern family. These same services also make it easier for both parents to work outside the home. Once your baby actually arrives, you'll begin to discover the high cost of childcare in our country. Yet ironically, we truly don't pay childcare workers nearly enough. Often, this issue becomes a huge barrier to keeping both parents working before the kids hit school age. Getting by on one income is, of course, far from easy for many families. Often, it is simply impossible. At some point in the first years, these difficulties will hit home. You might feel inadequate. Why are you unable to handle the kids alone? Are you a wimp? Didn't your parents do it without help? How are you going to make this work financially and professionally? Well, you're not a wimp. The pace of life was quite different for our parents. Expectations were vastly different. Three square meals and send 'em out to play was considered good parenting. And you could send them out to play because the neighborhood was full of other kids who had been sent out to play. Only a minority of middle-class women worked outside the home. Working-class families also tried to keep mothers with young children at home. That left many women in the neighborhood and able to help each other out. E-mail didn't exist. Nor did cell phones, and no one had a social media platform to maintain. Television consisted of three channels, plus PBS. In addition, no one had to worry about bisphenol A, phthalates and other endocrine disrupters. There was no such thing as "concerted cultivation." People didn't worry that a lack of "kindergarten readiness" would set their child up for a failed school career and dead-end jobs. In my day, we didn't attend pre-school. From a young age, I ran free with older siblings. How we all managed to obtain college degrees without rigorous pre-school intervention remains a deep mystery. In the past, parents were responsible for providing love and care. The kids were in charge of growing up. I have no idea what my mom did with her days, but she certainly wasn't entertaining her kids nor carting us around to different activities or play dates. Now we are responsible for formulating our children's self-esteem, their emotional intelligence, their capacity for commitment and internal motivation. There is always the next, latest, greatest psychological litmus test of your child's future success that parents are charged with "developing." So, cut yourself, and your partner, some slack. Our world is complicated, crazy paced, battered by too much information, filled with new responsibilities, loaded with ridiculous expectations and greatly lacking in support for families. Kathleen Cawley is a physician assistant and author. Her book "Navigating the Shock of Parenthood: Warty Truths and Modern Practicalities from a mom with twins" is available in ebook on Amazon.