Straight Talk: Gay-straight sleepover debate gets no rest

Dear Readers: We recently did a column (Nov. 4, 2009) on a topic I get a lot of mail about. Two girls were close friends enjoying the usual sleepovers since elementary school, until, at 16, the mother of one girl stopped allowing sleepovers since the other girl was now known to be lesbian. I sided with the mother in saying no to her teen sharing a bed with someone sexually-oriented toward her. My readers mostly lambasted me. And frankly, as I'm the last person to want to harm or marginalize gays, your arguments touched me.Nonetheless, it remains an issue with no simple answer — especially since I think most of today's pansexual revolution is socially driven — and the power of sharing a bed with someone shouldn't be underestimated. For adults over 28 who are unaware of the changes going on with youth, hardcore pornography is a regular part of teen and tween life; in college, it's a dominant element. At the same time, heterosexual girl-girl action and bisexuality among females has spiked from avant garde to commonplace. Coincidence? I think not.Since I get so much polarized mail about the "lesbian/bi-straight girl sleepover" I am devoting the next two columns to it. Today's column features reader responses to the Nov. 4 column. Next week's will feature the panel's and my (re-thought) conclusion. I would love to hear your thoughts. ~ LaurenDear Lauren: Santa Ana's mom seems to assume all gays are sexual predators. My older sister is gay. We are as close as sisters can be and frequently face this type of homophobic paranoia. I have friends whose parents won't let them spend the night since we share a room — and some friends who themselves won't spend the night. Undressing in front of someone gay is nothing to worry about. My sister has no sexual interest in straight girls and is not aroused by them. However, she gets cruel comments in the locker room from girls who assume she's "getting off" from seeing their bodies. Some girls even see a problem sharing the school bathroom. It disappoints me that you sided with Santa Ana's mom. ~ Jean, ReddingDear Lauren: I agree with you Lauren. A lesbian is, by definition, a female who is sexually attracted to other females. Therefore, sharing sleeping quarters and undressing in front of her is playing with fire. I don't see how someone sexually attracted to females would not get sexual feelings in these circumstances, just as a guy would. I am not prejudiced against gays. I believe gay marriage should be legal. I also have a gay friend. However, I don't undress or have sleepovers with her any more than I would with a guy. In Jean's case, I think it's okay since they're sisters, but it shouldn't go beyond close family members. ~ Terri, RosevilleDear Lauren: I am appalled at your response. Young women (straight or gay) do not show the same predatory behavior as young men. You sent a strong message that, because of this girl's sexual identity, she is not to be trusted. Young gay people are often isolated in teen society. They battle condemnation and hatred from churches and irresponsible press. Combined with non-acceptance of friends and family, many commit suicide. You mentioned "distress mail" you receive from teens who get unintentionally aroused or involved sexually with those they share bedrooms or beds with, but please do not lump teenage lesbians into the sexually deviant category of incest. Thankfully, your panelists are more open-minded about sexuality, not offended or scared by it. Perhaps this future generation, instead of preaching isolationist attitudes and condemnation, will enter a new path of acceptance and learn to discuss feelings and motives around sexuality. ~ Tracey Johnson, Orange CountyMore discussion is on our Web site. To ask a question or inquire about being a youth panelist, visit http://www.straighttalkforteens.com or write PO Box 963 Fair Oaks, CA 95628.